this is a reminder to myself to stop saying sorry when i don’t honestly think i’ve done anything wrong.
to never stop speaking my truth and asking for what i deserve.
to stop worrying whether my doing so upsets others. to let them have their anger. i can’t have it both ways.
this is a reminder to myself that all the crying, pleading, reasoning, meddling in the world isn’t going to change the actions of other people.
i can acknowledge that. but i can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to realize that if i don’t apologize, resolution doesn’t come. that if i’m not paddling like mad to keep the relationships in my life treading water, everything seems to slide under.
that’s a fucking hard pill to swallow. letting go of my need to control everything is terrifying. it’s supposed to be liberating but right now it’s just rly painful and i am feeling v tenderoni about it
i rly can’t deal with the lack of respect and dignity shown to women, people of color, non-english speakers, and people with cognitive deficits in the hospital setting.
i had a patient who was all of the above last week, and i witnessed staff members patting her arm patronizingly and without her consent even as she recoiled from their touch, speaking to her in babytalk, pulling lower-paid auxiliary employees over to translate when that’s not what their job is for, and giving her dumbed down, vague responses to very intelligent, direct questions she asked about her treatment. she was so pissed, i felt so bad for her. and that’s rly just the tip of the iceberg tbh
the medical industry is so fucked up it makes my head wanna explode. idk how i am going to work as a nurse and stay true to my values without losing my shit on everybody. sometimes i think i am way too empathetic for this. can there just be a hospital where they listen to the patients and have sensitivity training for everyone? i want to go work there.
had such a weird day. everything was off and i felt so full of doubt about everything, like most days i love my life but there is so much that i want to change. dumb stuff like eating better, being a better mom, being a better housekeeper, lack of funds, kindred spirits, me time. so now i am beating myself up for not already being perfect at everything which is so stupid and now i’m beating myself up for beating myself up?
being a young parent is such an intense time of getting one’s shit together as fast as humanly possible, everything else fades into the background
life is full of new motivations new happiness but it feels like there’s no time for doing things that used to make you happy, things that are a big part of who you are
my baby will be two next week and i love him more than anything i’ve ever known, but i still sort of mourn the part of me that had her own time.
entire days at my disposal to explore the city, eat alone, drive to nowhere, languish in bed, draw and write, fuck spontaneously and at great length, read a book from start to finish, pour myself into a task, soak in the bath, stay out late dancing and singing and laughing with friends
i used to do a lot of those things, maybe too much. now they are luxuries and i am consumed by the grind. old friends don’t have kids and don’t get it. new friends are never as good. it feels like old me is dead. i like to think when i am done with small children having i will get some of that back. i’m not sure if my mom ever did
things i couldn’t survive one day without:
i got flowers today just because. i needed that
we survived the holiday weekend. the rear facing car seat was a total disaster and we were forced to turn it back around or face certain death by secondary extended motor vehicle tantrum. for our big date night we went to the movies but siri told us the theater was in the middle of an apartment complex so we were late. the movie was 12 years a slave and it was extremely difficult to watch, i cried a lot. we ate lots and lots of great food. the boy did rly well being in a different environment, so much better than our last out of town trip. we tried to get crazy and take him to the zoo but he was not having it also the zoo is v depressing. still i am glad we got to spend time with my family.
and now i launch myself into the madness that is december: decorating for the holidays, hand making all the prezzies bc lol money, getting ready for the boy’s birthday party this weekend, studying for and passing three incredibly difficult exams that i am not at all confident about, and transitioning from in home to center based therapy for the boy.
typing all that out just gave me a stress induced myocardial infarction bye
Madvillain // All Caps
All caps when you spell the man name